First I explored adoption. My bishop had sent my mother home with a DVD about different mothers who had placed their babies. I put it in while my family was visiting my grandparents one Sunday evening shortly after I had discovered that I was pregnant. I watched and sobbed the whole way through. I knew adoption was such a wonderful option for so many mothers, but I wasn't sure if it was the right option for me. I was so devastated as I tried to make this decision on my own. I knew I should pray about it, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to Heavenly Father after everything I had done. I decided to make an appointment with LDS Family Services just to talk things through.
When I made the appointment I was afraid they were just going to pressure me into placing my baby for adoption. It seemed like the logical thing to do in my situation. I wasn't married and was only 18. It wasn't like I could totally support him on my own at that point, but I just didn't know if adoption was the right route for me to take and LDS Family Services was so supportive of me no matter what decision I made. My social workers name was Melissa. Immediately I felt so comfortable talking to her. She told me about how beautiful adoption was and how of course she was a strong advocate for it, but she said that it certainly wasn't right for everybody. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders after talking to her. I continued to make appointments every week or two and she helped me work through the things I was struggling with at the time.
Around January I decided that I needed to read the Book of Mormon all the way through before my baby was born. I had read it with my family several times but never on my own. When I pulled out my Book of Mormon a little paper fell out of it that simply said John 16:33. I turned to the passage and found, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might find peace. In the world you will have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." I was overcome with emotion. I felt such a comfort reading those words and I knew that if I listened to my heart I would know the Lord's desire for me and my baby.
I continued to read the Book of Mormon throughout the following months. My goal was to be done with it by the time the baby was born and I knew I was going to have to hurry because I kept going into preterm labor. I read for hours at work, at home, at church, and during all of my spare time. While my parents were out of town in Oregon doing my Uncle Doug's temple work I went into labor again and was admitted to the hospital this time. I started to panic because I still had about 8 chapters left to read and didn't have my Book of Mormon with me. When they wheeled my into the room I would be staying in there on the night stand table was a Book of Mormon waiting for me. Heavenly Father always provides a way for us to reach our goals and do the things which He asks us to do.
That night I finished the book and felt very strongly that I would know without a doubt in my mind that I had made the right decision. I knew that I was going to keep Logan. I knew that Heavenly Father had sent him to me for a reason and that I was supposed to be his mother. Two weeks later my beautiful baby boy was born and I knew with a surety when I held him in my arms that I had made the right decision.
Now two and a half years later I love him more than I ever thought possible. There are still times when I am down on myself and wonder if I truly made the right decision for us. But Heavenly Father always asures me that he was supposed to be mine and that he was sent to me for a reason. I love him so much and I couldn't imagine a life without him. What a blessing he is in my life and to the lives of so many others!
